Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
