I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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