From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
