just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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