I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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