i was born a porn star she said
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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