The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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