i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
