I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
