areolas are like halos for boobs.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
