I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
