Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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