Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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