so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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