I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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