A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
