When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
