Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
