Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
