She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
