"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
