i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
