he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
