she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
