i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
