I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
