My nipple is on Facebook.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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