maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
