one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
