Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
