Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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