...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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