dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
