I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
