I looked at my own cervix.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
