You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
