Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
