in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
