This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
