I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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