in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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