My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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