An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They took my balls.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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