every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
