the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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