I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This house was built for laser tag.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
