Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
