Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
