You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
