I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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