you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
