I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
