I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
