oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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