i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
