my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
