i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
