I looked at my own cervix.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
