so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
