Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
